by Lakisha Latham
http://wordsoflifeandwisdom.blogspot.com
Why is it so hard to love ourselves? Is it because society has painted a image of the perfect woman/man or is it because we hate ourselves because of things we have done it the past that we felt sealed our fate for the future?
There could be many reasons for the way you feel. For me personally it was the world. I would see magazines upon magazines of skinny women with piles of make up, wearing the latest fashions telling me “this is how you are suppose to look.” Well coming from a single parent household didn’t leave much for me to work with, but my mother did her best by us and for that I’m grateful. I didn’t like myself after the age of 14. Back then my mom had control of my diet and I had an “awesome” figure and though even then I had “guy” issues I thought it would get better as time went by. To my sadness and utter humiliation things got worse.
I got a job and decided to take over my own health buying whatever junk food I wanted. I didn’t know it, but back then I was using food to cover up a deeper problem–I didn’t like myself. As time went by I got fatter and before I knew it I was a chunky female! Now I still saw these women in magazines, but I just figured that I would be liked for who I was. High School was the worst. If the kids didn’t like you, that was it, no questions asked. I began to hate myself more and more each day drowning my problems in food and books. I often hid in the library or skipped class to get away from everyone. The last straw was when my “then” boyfriend took another girl to prom because he thought she was prettier! That blew my world. I knew at that point I was nothing. At this time I didn’t have God in my life, so, I was looking to people and things to fill the loneliness and rejection I “FELT”
I put that in quotations because at the time I didn’t know the devil was planting lies in my head!
After the humiliation of high school I dropped out at 17 years old. I figured I could make it working at White Castle. I started running through man after man, calling date lines and even messing around with coworkers. I figured that I could get a man that way or that I could feel loved and be a Princess. See after all, I was still innocent in so many ways. I believed in Prince Charming and all that fairy tale mess. I even started living in that world to escape my present situation. The men came and went and I became less and less of the bright girl I once was. The devil had me fully believing that I wasn’t worth anything and that I was going to die a lonely person. So I ate more and more and at this point I’m beyond depressed and I’m aching to be loved.
I turned to dark music to get by. To me it expressed what I was feeling but, I didn’t know how to get it out. Soon after I began to be tormented at night. Nightmares of hell and Satan himself filled my nights. I started drinking and smoking weed not only to fit in but to escape my life. None of it worked I was still an outcast. Women were my final straw. I figured if I became a lesbian I would be loved and fit in with the crowd, but it just made everything worse. It took my hair dresser to get me to church and when I finally accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior the chains fell off and the years of abuse and pain came out in uncontrollable tears! I was free, or so I thought.
Since 2001 it has been a struggle. I came in and out of God trying to fight my own demons not submitting to God. See, I thought I was so hideous that not even He could love me! Then I read Jeremiah 29:11, For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Know that whatever the devil has allowed you to believe is false ask the Lord to show you His divine path for you life! Psalm 71:6 By You I have been upheld from birth; You are He who took me out of my mother’s womb. My praise shall be continually of You. He knew what you would go through but he also knew you would find your way to Him! Trust your FATHER cry out to Him release those years of frustration and pain and watch Him heal deliver and set you free! He has for me in so many ways!
In conclusion Jesus is my boyfriend and He will be until God sends me the right one! I still battle my weight and even now He is still healing me but, I’m with women and men of God who love me. I’m even going deeper into worship and my love for Him. He is awesome! Find a awesome local church where u can get the support you need it’s never too late to turn to God, Amen.
“I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well,” Psalm 139:14 (KJV)
