by Rachel Renee Griggs
http://www.RachelReneeGriggs.com
Some Things I Have Learned about Myself and Relationships
Ever since I was a child there were a couple of things I aspired to be as an adult. At the top of my list was to become a wife and mother. I always loved to read and before I was even a teenager I was reading articles about relationships, marriage and parenting. Even as I write this I am aware that it probably seems a bit strange for a “new millennium” woman’s highest aspiration to be a wife and mother but it’s true.
Out of my heart’s deepest desires came my willingness to give my all in relationships time and time again, hoping theh object of my affection would be the one who would complete my vision of marriage and family. Somehow, no matter how much I loved and gave of myself, it never worked. Last year, after what I swore would be my last breakup, I decided to stop practicing insanity and try it God’s way rather than Rachel’s way. God, through a friend, led me to The Plural Thing, a book and online ministry that changed my approach on relationships. I had so much to learn about doing it God’s way and I am still learning.
I recently began looking through my old blogs and found this posting entitled,”I Want What I Want” from just after my last breakup. Here is an excerpt from
it:
“…A few times I was excited because I thought I may have found the one; someone who truly loves me and understands me and is worthy of all the love I have to give, but for various reasons, it has never yet worked out. One day as I tried to understand how two people who love each other can have such a hard time being together, a friend reminded me that I am not a hard person to love, so love is not hard for me to find. The issue is in finding the love that I need, and not every man can fill that requirement.
I have been married before so I recognize that love and friendship is not enough to sustain a relationship. Many important topics have to be discussed and agreed upon before taking a relationship to the next level. Knowing this, I will not continue a relationship where it is apparent that the things I need from the relationship will not be present due to the differences between my partner and me.
I learned the importance of comparing my priorities to that of the one who professes his love. I recognize that the man I am with must understand and be sensitive to those priorities, as I must understand his. If our priorities are not in sync, problems will arise. I also recognize my need for stimulation. I need a person who can engage me mentally and spiritually. Otherwise, I will not feel that I can fully express myself with my partner and our growth as a couple will be severely limited. In a serious relationship I also need someone who sees us as a partnership and will work with me to solve problems and create the best possible environment for our potential family.
The man for me will embrace my child as his own and vice-versa. The man for me will be as sensitive to my needs as I am to his. We will share in each other’s problems as well as our successes. We will use our resources to help and support each other in any way possible, with it never being a one-way street of one person depending on the other. I have alot to offer and share with the one I love, so I expect the same in return.
I recognize that there are quite a few good men out there, including some that I have dated, but that does not mean they are all compatible with me. All I can do is continue to improve myself and what I bring to the table while keeping the faith that one day the love I seek will arrive.”
What I see in my words from back then is a bruised and weary woman who was trying to reclaim her strength and dictate how her next relationship was going to unfold. What I did not realize then is that my search for love was incorrectly stopping at man. I should have never been trying to find true love for myself in a man. I should have had my needs for love fulfilled in God.
Once I turned to God and truly tasted His Love, it became the most satisfying thing I had ever experienced. I no longer felt like I needed a man to give me love or companionship. My Source of Love is the Almighty God, my Everlasting Father.
I learned that love has nothing to do with whether someone else loves you back. To truly love, it must be done selflessly. It was a hard lesson to learn, but God is the Master Teacher. He taught me to love when there seemed to be nothing in it for me. He taught me how to pray for someone who was too broken to pray for me. In that, He taught me humility because I could not be so self-centered when my job was to minister to someone else.
He also taught me how to wait. I had wasted so much time and energy in fruitless relationships and I did not want to do that again. So I waited on God. I served Him with my talents and enjoyed the way He was developing me.
The Plural Thing taught me how to truly be alone and wait for God to send my soulmate. I did not spend time with any man for several months, even on a friendship level. That removed my dependency on the feeling of having male companionship. I had always enjoyed spending time alone with myself but now I cherished those moments even more. I shared so much intimate time with the Father. He healed so many wounds and ministered to me the way only He could.
It got to the point where I was perfectly content and did not care about being in the company of a man. I felt strong, radiant and beautiful and there was no random man hanging around me taking away from that feeling, as there had been in the past. There was only my loving, Heavenly Father, caressing me and molding me with His Love.
Still, there were men in my life who seemed like they *could* be the one and I just wanted to know for sure, what the deal was so that it could be laid to rest in my mind. I wanted to know why I saw the things I saw concerning them and what did it all mean. I set aside a time of focused prayer so that I could hear God’s voice more clearly. This is when God put the spotlight on a man who had loved me all along, not just in words but in deeds.
When you wait on God, you realize that He would not bring you through the growth process to hand you something that is ridden with trouble and stress. He was molding me for something beautiful. He was healing my broken places so that I would be able to receive love without fear or shame.
There are no words to describe how it feels to be in relationship with a man who thoroughly loves God and thoroughly loves me. I believe in this love because I can see God in it. I have never experienced a romantic relationship before where I felt and saw the hand of God orchestrating events and situations for us to grow together. I am glad I traded in what I wanted for what God wanted, because His thoughts are higher than my thoughts and His ways are higher than my ways!
“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts,” Isaiah 55:8-9 (NKJV)
September 22nd, 2009 at 2:16 pm
This is an awesome post! I went through an alone season with God right before my mate came. It was the best thing I could ever done for myself and my marriage. Once, you allow yourself to be loved by God – you can love your mate completely. It won’t be so much about how much someone can love you back, but how much you can love them. Marriage erases selfishness…in all areas.
Thanks for this post. And may God bless you.