Learn to Avoid Counterfeits, Love Better & Marry Well

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by Rachel Renee Griggs
http://www.RachelReneeGriggs.com

When a relationship ends, especially if you are the one ending it, it is very easy to blame the other person for everything that went wrong. In fact, the worse that person screwed up, the better you can feel about moving on. Almost every time I ended a relationship, I had very little sympathy for the ex because I thought, ‘he didn’t deserve me anyway.’ I always said if the person truly cared, they would have done what it takes to keep me in their life. They would have learned how to love me; they would have spent more time, paid more attention, become honest, faithful or whatever the case was. If the person seemed upset by my departure I viewed it as crocodile tears. I thought, “Don’t cry now, when I needed you, you were not interested.” I know it sounds cold, but that was truly how I saw it. Then I started looking at those breakups and for the first time considered that it may have been just as rough or even worse for some of those people as it was for me. I considered that even though those people may have hurt me, their hurt feelings were valid as well.

I saw the role I played in the pain of those I walked away from, and I realized I needed to be more responsible in my approach to relationships. In the past, I allowed my curiosity to lead me. If a man showed interest and had a combination of qualities that I liked, I wanted to investigate and find out if there was possibility of something real. In my eagerness to love and be loved, the relationship usually moved forward and the man would magically bring up the topic of marriage to show that he wanted to have a future with me. Several times, I went with the flow even with major warning signs popping up all over the place telling me that the man was not marriage material – at least not for me.

I know that it is not that easy to walk away from a decent relationship once you have invested a lot of time and energy. You doubt yourself because you know other women would probably love to be in your position, but at the same time, you realize you are going through the motions of being in a happy relationship. I have learned that no matter how good a man is that does not mean he is the one for me. In fact, a relationship with him could very well turn into a personal hell. I discovered that I was just as responsible for those breakups as the men who did not live up to my expectations. I was wrong because I expected those men to be someone they could never be.

I believe there is a man who is capable of truly loving me and willing to receive all the love I have to give. For most of my life, I have not been patient enough to wait for him. I tried to find him in the eyes of substitutes who could not even understand who I was, let alone love me. There were times when I overlooked major differences that would make it impossible for a relationship to survive. How can I expect another man to embrace my child when he is lost with his own child? How can I expect him to understand the importance of family when he is used to only looking out for himself? How can I expect him to celebrate with me when he is competing with me? How can I expect to have a Christian household when I’m involved with someone who does not acknowledge God?

Too often I let go of standards that I needed to uphold. There were times when I felt a warning in my spirit but I ignored it because I wanted to explore the possibilities. I do not have any regrets, but I admit I could have made better choices. I made a decision not to enter another committed relationship with someone whose standards and goals are not in harmony with mine. If we are not walking along the same path, how can we walk together? I do not have another minute to waste in building something that is doomed from the start. So I will be led by the spirit when it comes to my relationships. This is a surprisingly liberating feeling. My eyes are open, I’m listening for the voice of my Father and there is no need to even entertain certain people because I have already heard the “no” before they even started talking.

Years ago, I heard messages like this taught in Christian youth conferences dealing with dating and abstinence. They would tell us to save ourselves; otherwise we were cheating on our future mate. I thought, “how can you be faithful to someone you don’t even know?” Now, I understand and I feel like I am learning a new lesson in fidelity. There are times when I wish for companionship and I know I could pick up the phone and call whoever, but I choose not to do that. To do that would be just as irresponsible as that trail of broken hearts that is already behind me. I know there is no future with him, so to date him would be like using him or leading him on. While I’m out with him I could miss an opportunity to be with my soul mate. That’s not an opportunity I am willing to miss.

“The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD, And He delights in his way,” Psalm 37:23 (NKJV)

Filed Under: Monday Morning

Monday Morning

justfortherecord

by Harriet Hairston
http://harriet-canshesaythat.blogspot.com

Lately I’ve been making a conscious effort to adjust my attitude towards my husband.  I’ve been rude and contentious; a real bear to live with.  It’s made my family miserable.  So I’m seeking to transform and totally adjust how I relate to them.  The only problem is the fact that I have a track record standing in my way.  Not  my own, but my husband’s.

When we were courting before we got married, we promised each other that we would exemplify 1 Corinthians 13 towards one another.  That’s much easier said than done, especially when looking at the criteria true love entails. But let’s break it down just a little more:

Love is patient:  Check.  I’ve been patient and willing to give space where space is needed.

Love is kind:  Check.  I’ve always been a giver, and my marriage is no different.  I like to shower my loved ones with kindness.

Love holds no records of wrongs–I can’t even get halfway down the list without falling short.  Lord, have mercy!  A record is something that recalls or relates past events.  At first, I thought this concept had to do with forgiveness.  My husband and I practice forgiving one another on a daily basis.  Marriage requires it.

Nevertheless, every time an argument arose, or we entered into our decision making process, I found that there was a constant nagging in the back of my mind.  Some of the decisions he has made have been some doozies!  And I’ve kept a record of them, regardless of the fact that I’d forgiven him.

Am I saying that in a married relationship, we should overlook certain things for the sake of not holding records of wrongs?  Certainly not!  If a spouse has a pattern of breaching trust or being irresponsible, it is not only advisable, but imperative that the issue be addressed.  The pitfall I fell into was failing to see how my husband had changed and matured.  I would always call back to my memory the time this decision failed, or that business deal fell through.  I would think of the long term ramifications of the choices he made that he thought would only affect him, but ended up having detrimental consequences for our whole family.  No matter how many times I forgave, I NEVER forgot, and when it was time to make decisions, our arguments became historical, not hysterical.

As the  years went by, he began to employ more wisdom and seek the counsel of trusted mentors for both professional and personal issues.  The decisions he made began to take on an air of authority that I wasn’t accustomed to.  But because I had more faith in him remaining the same as opposed to changing, that made it all the more difficult for me to accept the direction he wanted to take our family in.

I kept mental notes of wrongs and used them as a track record to hold against him if we had to make a major decision regarding our family.  I had to learn to receive the fact that he had changed, and although a situation may look similar to one that took place in the past, it still was important for me to look beyond the track record to the transformed man he had become.   Now MY track record for keeping records of his wrongs is starting to change.  Maybe now I can actually move on to exemplify the rest of First Corinthians 13 without getting hemmed up at the third requirement.

What about you?  Have you ever found yourself in a position where you didn’t appreciate or trust the positive growth your spouse was making?  How did you resolve it?  Is there any other characteristic of First Corinthians 13 (patience, kindness, honesty, supportiveness, loyalty, hopefulness, willing to endure, not holding records of wrongs, not envious, proud, rude, selfish, hot tempered or evil) that you did not exemplify at one point, but had to work on?

“Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” 1 Corinthians 13:8-13 (NIV).

22 June 2009

Monday Morning

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by Linda Dominique Grosvenor
http://www.LindaDominiqueGrosenor.com

One night as I lay in my husband’s arms watching television and dozing off a bit, I was finally happy to see the credits rolling on the program we were watching because I was too tired to explain or see straight. The night before we had gotten very little sleep. We were up late doing research and then we had to wake up early the next morning to get him off to work. As I drifted off in the bed that night I remembered that I had left a dish and a pot in the sink unwashed. The rest of the kitchen was relatively clean, however, my husband dislikes dishes being left in the sink unwashed overnight and I was grieved about it because I knew he didn’t like it. When I was single it wasn’t a problem, because it wasn’t a habit only a few dishes, but then, that was part of the compromise of marriage, I was no longer single and couldn’t only do it “my way”. However, sleep won out in that battle.

The next morning as I went into the bathroom to prepare myself to drive him to the train station my bare feet landed on the cold, wet floor where he had dripped after emerging from the shower. I was barely awake and in disgust I let out a long, frustrated sigh. He knows how I appreciate him staying on the bath mat to dry off so that it doesn’t wet up the floor in front of the person who has to sit to use the toilet. My instinct right after I flushed was to bring up the fact that we had discussed my displeasure about this repeatedly, but instead all I saw “in my mind” was that lonely dish with ketchup from the catfish and French fries we had the night before still sitting in the sink, so I proceeded to place a towel down on the bathroom floor and rest my feet on top of it and simmer down.

My husband and I love each other to an enormous degree, yet we still do things that irritate each other. I believe even if we were born joined at the hip we still wouldn’t do things to each others complete satisfaction every single time. The fact is though that God love us too and I’m 100% certain that no matter how many scriptures we read, how many programs we pass out, how much we tithe or how many sermons we preach, we irritate God too with our habits, attitude and some of us our general behavior. Thankfully God doesn’t call us on every single mistake we make and it made me consider the fact that maybe we shouldn’t call people on every single wrong they commit either.  People who are called on every single mistake will begin to feel like they can’t do anything right. Sometimes we are so quick to throw stones. John 8:7b says, “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone [at her].” That’s probably why God “sees” every situation, but doesn’t always feel the need to intercede. Sometimes He sits back and watches how we will handle or recover from certain situations. I know that was definitely the case that particular morning. I hope I pleased Him with my decision to ponder my own shortcoming and simmer down. I know we are all a work in progress, but there still comes a point in time where we all need to be leaning more toward the “getting it right” end of the spectrum and stop leaning so heavily on the “I’m not perfect” as a crutch or perhaps an excuse.

“Either how canst thou say to thy brother, Brother, let me pull out the mote that is in thine eye, when thou thyself beholdest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, cast out first the beam out of thine own eye, and then shalt thou see clearly to pull out the mote that is in thy brother’s eye,” Luke 6:42 (KJV)

15 June 2009

Monday Morning

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by Rachel Renee Griggs
http://www.RachelReneeGriggs.com

The thing about a wolf in sheep’s clothing is that the clever disguise causes you to believe the wolf is a harmless sheep. Yet, something about this sheep is very odd and funny-looking. There are moments when the sheep’s true wolf nature comes out and you do a double-take, thinking “did he just do what I think he just did?” You shrug it off, because just as quickly as you doubted him, he reassumes a sweet sheep form.

Men who prey on women as wolves in sheep clothing are often very skilled at what they do. They are very knowledgeable about what women like. They know how to turn on the charm and they know how to make you forget about whatever bad thing they might have done. Their game would not be effective if they had never studied their subject.

This man may approach you as if he has the best of intentions, but all the while he is just looking to add you to his collection for whatever purpose he believes you will serve. He tells you everything you want to hear, he makes you believe that you are special to him and that you may just be the One, even if he’s only known you for a few days. Everything seems lovely at first, but after while, once you have professed your love to this man and proven your loyalty to him, you notice little changes in his behavior. Suddenly days or nights go by where you do not hear from him and you cannot reach him, when before you heard from him every day and night. You notice that he now turns his phone off some nights. Perhaps his temper flares up sometimes and he calls you names or becomes violent. You begin to panic because you love this man but he suddenly does not seem to be who you thought he was.

The confusing thing is that he always has an explanation ready for everything that happens and makes you feel somewhat guilty for doubting him in the first place. Since your wolf has also had a troubled childhood and adulthood, you feel even worse for accusing him because he has already been through so much. You are supposed to be the one woman on this earth who understands and supports him! Inside, you feel unsettled, but you accept his words because you want to believe him. You don’t want to be wrong about the man you have given your heart to.

This pattern continues until you begin to notice that you have more questions than answers concerning your man. You also notice the bad times are starting to outweigh the good times. You feel physically and emotionally drained. You look in the mirror and barely recognize yourself because you are so stressed and tired. The world may think you are happy but you look yourself in the eye and you know that you are not happy. You begin to feel like you need to leave this man but it almost hurts too much to think about. You try to talk to him about it and suggest that maybe the two of you need some space. He may be dramatic and fight you on it, or he may agree while laying a healthy guilt trip about people in his life abandoning him and misunderstanding him. Whatever the case is, you start to feel a little better just for gaining the tiniest bit of freedom from this man.

Think about the peace that you feel when you think about no longer having to worry about the wolf who has been lying to you and mistreating you. This is the peace you must fight to maintain in your life. You must trust that you will survive without having this man to love. You must trust that God will send somebody better to share your love with you. You must trust yourself and love yourself. The wolf will not go away easily because you served a purpose in his life. He has no intentions of changing; he just wants to win you back over so you can continue playing the role he has for you. No man who truly loves you will repeatedly put you through hurt and pain, see your tears and still refuse to change. So you must turn your back on this wolf.

There will be moments when you will remember something he did and you will have second thoughts – those special dinners he prepared just for you, the gifts, the places you went or the sweet things he said. However, those memories are a trick to keep you stuck in a place that is killing you slowly. Stay focused on the many times he mistreated you and then somehow blamed you for it. Think about the tears you have cried and the days you didn’t even want to get out of bed because you were so upset. This is no way to live.

Turn your back on that wolf. Delete him. Delete all of his contact information. Delete his pictures. Get rid of his stuff. Do not contact him. Ignore him if he contacts you. If he will not leave you alone, get your local police involved. Your life, your happiness, your peace depends on your determination to get rid of the wolf. Get some support from friends, family or a professional. Tell someone whom you trust what you are going through. Often the only reason these situations last for as long as they do is because they are happening in secret. You spend so much time covering for the man you love that no one knows the pain that you are dealing with. Well, God knows, and He wants you to live a better life.

“Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles?” Matthew 7:15-16 (NKJV)

8 June 2009

The Products

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7 May 2009

The Products

bracelet

The Love Better Promise Bracelet says, “LOVE BETTER” and is an outward reminder of the pledge to learn to love better and hold each other accountable to what the Word says. Like a piece of string tied to the finger to remember to mail a letter or do a particular task, this bracelet will remind you to go the extra mile for yourself, your special someone, forgive quickly after any disagreement and keep your love moving forward and enduring forever. Buy one for your husband, wife, fiance, sister, mother, best friend, son, daughter or someone you work or worship with today. The bracelets are $3.95 each. Each bracelet comes with a pledge card. It makes a very unique gift.

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13 April 2009

The Products

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The Plural Thing: Spiritually Preparing for Your Soul Mate is unadulterated, hard-hitting, tough-loving, no-nonsense truth. With Biblical principles, keen insight, self-disclosure and candidness Grosvenor provides guidance to those struggling with sexual soul ties, an adulterous relationship, low self-esteem and have resigned themselves to settling for second-best or are just in love with being in love and finally want the freedom to receive God’s blessings for their lives. The Plural Thing: Spiritually Preparing for Your Soul Mate set advanced readers on FIRE and has eagerly been made recommended reading by church groups and singles ministries across the United States. This inspirational book for singles will foster energetic discussion and is appropriate for Christians of all ages.

READ THE EXCERPT

My entire life I’ve known so many women like me who only wanted a loving relationship. A relationship the way God created Adam and Eve to be in the foundations of creation. I knew so many women who were tired of doing and searching just for the sake of looking. Women who were going to gatherings and visiting other churches because they’d heard it through the grapevine that it’s where all the cute available men were. These were intelligent women who were just sick and tired of having no one to bond with, no one to grow with, no one to tell their secrets to, no one who they can pick up and go for a leisurely drive with, no one they could dream with, and no one they could trust with their feelings.

They were tired of pretending not to feel emotions just because people said that they should learn how to cope with singlehood. “Singlehood is good,” they’re told, “it gives you time to work for God.” They weren’t lying. Being single and working for God is good, but at about 11:30 p.m. on a nippy November night, when the news goes off and you patter to the kitchen and feed the cat, have a sip of orange juice from the container and can’t help but hear the winds whipping through the trees—who themselves have lost their leaves and stand naked before God, but still have each other, it’s a little hard to comprehend the waiting and patience of singlehood.

I know singles are tired. I know that they are weary of waiting for love to come and see about them. I can assure you that because of the harsh realities of life many of them also have cold feet and nervously anticipate when it’s the perfect time to reveal themselves to that significant other in their life (if there is one). I’m sure they’re tired of holding back and acting like they don’t need a man in front of people (I was). And I trust that they are “oh so tired” of sitting home alone letting the enemy convince them that nobody wants them and that they’ll die a spinster. The deep folk scold you and tell you, “focus on Jesus,” as if to daydream of love occasionally is a sin. I know all of these lonely people, because they were me. Although I looked in the mirror and told myself I was enough, I still yearned for a kiss, a hug, a hand to hold and a smile that mirrored mine. Singles. I know these segregated folks. They have a heart full of carefully crafted plans for their mate—when they finally find them. They try to go on with their daily lives with a business as usual attitude, but who wants to live with feelings all bottled up? Who wants to feel things they can never say to anybody? Who wants to always be a bridesmaid but never get to walk that rose petal strewn aisle with the handsome groom waiting at the altar to usher them into love and forever?

I know these women. They are part of all of us that we may even deny until death sucks the last breath out of us. These women are hiding behind jobs, church committees, hobbies and children, but they exist. They are me. They are you. When the pastor does an altar call for the lonely and broken, it is you who sits like a magnet glued to the pew because you’d rather be tarred and feathered than think of yourself as broken and lonely, and expose it to the whole church? Besides you’re probably thinking, we’re all adults, shouldn’t we be above all the desperation? You’d think.

Desperation. I know about it. Yes, I’ve been there. It is for that reason alone that I want you to trust that God has more for you. Now I’m not preaching and teaching for you to get all stirred up and walk around telling your friends that, “God has more for me.” He does, but you have to do more than say it, you’ve got to act on it!

A handsome face is fine, but when it comes to love, what we should all be looking for is someone who will celebrate us. Doesn’t that sound blessed? Celebrate us, just like a grand occasion. That’s what we need, someone who sees us how God sees us, in all of our glory and perfection. We need someone who we can hold in our arms and feel God’s purpose emanating for us through them, connecting us in the Spirit for eternity. It may seem simple, but the reality of that manifesting in some of our lives is extremely far fetched. It’s far fetched because we are looking in the wrong places. It’s hard because we are not ready. It’s difficult because we are not complete.

God created us to worship. The grass and trees grow upward in celebration of being created. They thank God with their extremities raised to the sky. We as humans ought to thank God like this too, daily, not just when we’re in a good mood or only when we get things our way, but all the time. As humans of course, we understand that we are not like the trees or the grass. We have more distractions in our lives that take our focus off of God. We aren’t like nature that can spend the day worshipping because their only worry is the sun, wind and rain. But worship is so very important. It’s vital to our relationship with Him. It is our connection to the God of Heaven. And when we don’t have a strong spiritual connection to God, everything else in our lives is meaningless and will fall short. When we don’t have a strong spiritual connection we won’t necessarily care if we find someone who will celebrate us; we’ll take whatever we can get, and that’s a lonely road. And the sad truth is that you haven’t been lonely until you are in a relationship and are still lonely!

For most of us, having just anybody will do. We figure that we have already allowed ourselves to be overworked, underpaid, unappreciated, unrewarded, unmoved, stepped on, walked over, unchanged and misunderstood. So, we feel we might as well snuggle up with a trash bag too. Garbage. Even though we say we matter, most of us don’t act like we are worth very much. We sell ourselves short and spend our lives guesstimating. We need to get it together. We were not born and created in the image of God to be a doormat. “And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created him; male and female created he them.” (Genesis 1:26-27 KJV)

We spend too much time worrying about other people and what they think of us or pondering what they are doing with the knowledge they have about us. You worrying doesn’t change anything. If they want to talk let them talk. They can’t change the purpose God has for your life with their gossip and backbiting. Leave it alone and let God fight your battles. We’ve got to get consistent. We want to be like the next sister as we work on our patience today and as she works on her humility next week, then we will too because that’s how she got her last husband. But you see, the qualities that we need to have are the qualities that please God, and most of us are sorely lacking. We smile and pray, but our lives aren’t beautifying, complimenting or glorifying God in the least, or a reflection of Him to boot.

We need more time with the Creator so that we can bask in His presence and find the love that is deep within us. Sure you can tell somebody off and tongue lash with the best of them, but having a big mouth is totally different from loving yourself and being a complete and fulfilled person. We are hardheaded, we don’t listen, and even though our mistakes precede our subsequent choices, we still refuse to see the signs.

When it comes to relationships, we are fleshly and superficial people. We didn’t get this way overnight. It’s a process. We learned to be this way. For instance, most of us wouldn’t take home bruised fruit from the market if they were giving it away free by the basketful. We want perfection. We want something that will make every head turn and every eye envy what we have. We seek attention and are desperate for the approval of the negative, moody and scornful people around us. The reason most of us are judged by what we have is because that’s how we judge other people. We allow our self worth to come from what and who we have instead of who and what God has created us to be and have. We let our outside dominate our Spirit, and that’s not Godly or productive. We have to renew our minds. The bible says, “And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God,” (Romans 12:1).

We’ve got to get that God kind of thinking deep down on the inside of us. That’s the bottom line. When we do then we will cease to be so frivolous and superficial about the things in our lives. Yes, I know it sounds preachy and “same old, same old,” but we’ve got to make an internal change before there’s an external change or else we’ll be heading down one lonely road of destruction and doom. Garbage in, garbage out! Like the song says, without God, “it’s like driving down Pike’s Peak 90 miles an hour in the dark with the headlights off;” a road with no directions, and no real destination.

But, when you get God down on the inside and feed your Spirit daily with the Word that was designed to sustain you in the first place, the power, joy and purpose of God will first nourish, then sustain and finally, emanate from you, then you will draw someone unto you that isn’t impressed with the fact that your skirt is above your knee or that you have a house in Briarcliff. He will love you for the “you” God has gleaned.

So many people want the relationship first and God second. It doesn’t work that way. God is a jealous God (Exodus 20:5). Matthew 6:21 says, “where your treasure is there will your heart be also.” Is your focus a man or God? 1 Corinthians 7:23 says, “ye are bought with a price; be ye not servants of men.” God first. He’s bought you with a price. He died for you. And it will do us all some additional good while we are getting our act together to realize that this entire world we are living in is spiritual. Everything, from our thoughts to the reason we do or don’t do things—it’s all spiritual. And in this spiritual world, when you feed the flesh, listen here, the spirit gets weak and stares at you like a rabid dog that only wants a bite of some truth to fill is so it doesn’t die of malnourishment and then cease to exist. Feed your Spirit!

The flesh on the other hand is like a putrid cancer that will afflict your whole body if it’s allowed to dominate. When you feed the Spirit the flesh gets weak. You need to put your cancerous flesh on a hunger strike until it is emaciated, non-responsive, and then keep it that way. Stop entertaining the flesh. Stop indulging it in every fanciful whim. The flesh wants you to call this one, go here, do this with him, but SO WHAT! “Whatsoever things are pure, think on these things,” (Philippians 4:8). In this world where it seems that everyone is doing whatever they want, with whomever they want, being accountable to no one, ask yourself, who’s in control anyway? The Spirit of the flesh? Truth be told, to be effective and claim the promises of heaven we have to crucify our flesh daily. No, not just on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, and every leap year, but daily! It will try but the flesh can’t rule you. You can’t allow it to rule you because if you do it will own you.

We as elect men and women of God need to stop getting sidetracked. Some of us are too easy to sidetrack for our own good, and it takes the Devil no effort at all to lure us. We fall willingly into his traps over and over again. We can walk down the street with a purpose, a right mind and a bus transfer, and then a strong wind can come along and have us off course, out in left field behind a bowling alley getting our lust quenched. When we’re done we hurry home to cook dinner, then head out to choir practice as if nothing happened.

When some of us see a man we lose our footing. We daydream and indulge in our minds about the experiences we’ve had and how it felt, all the while wondering where he is now. We need to stop entertaining ourselves by looking lustfully at men who are so pretty that they ought to be in a department store with a price tag marked “off limits.” We also need to stop labeling our sexual cravings love. Labels peel off. Just because you label it love doesn’t mean that it won’t be uncovered for what it really is—a filthy LUST!

Our lives are full of envy. Relationships are no different. Now I know you’ll stand up and protest, declare to the hills that you don’t have an envious bone in your body, but the evidence is clear. When you don’t want something until someone else has it, that’s envy sister. When you see the enjoyment of it all on their faces and scrunch up your nose because you are void of this thing, your are coveting, it’s obvious. You smile for your sister in her face, then you go home and plot about how yours will be bigger, shinier and higher priced. That’s envy plain and simple and it’s a pathetic practice and rotten to the core!

I mean, life could be so simpler. We just have to be obedient. We really ought to be held accountable for our prejudiced cravings and stop trying to be showpieces too. We don’t want the items on the lover shelves. That’s the bargain basement stuff. We don’t want what’s within our reach. That’s the cheap stuff, that’s the stuff that offers no real challenge or struggle to acquire. When we wear, eat or drive the cheap stuff it doesn’t shout “you’ve made it!” We want the doctors and lawyers for husbands because we’ve been told that’s the good life. That includes summers in Spain and a villa in the hills. Money will be no object. We want prestige and acclaim because it’s what everyone else has or is striving for. We want it because heads will turn if we acquire it, and these knowledgeable men with their college degrees know this and some of them line these women up and use them one by one because they know these transparent women are so materialistic and shallow enough to fall for it just to say they have someone.

The flesh always causes more trouble than it’s worth. It’s not about status. The earlier on in life you learn this, the better off you will be. Don’t let status dictate who you marry. I’m telling you it’s not worth it. It’s not worth it. It’s not worth it. Women marry medical school residents in hopes of living the good life, only to find out that he has to spend the next ten years of their lives paying off his student loans. Wives help put their husbands through law school only for him to run off with a paralegal. It isn’t right, but nothing is guaranteed when you go chasing after status. Let God lead you. Renew your mind. Tomorrow is not promised either. We can all be in the clouds standing before God tomorrow giving account for what we’ve done with our lives today. Do you want “chasing down a doctor to marry” to be what you tell God you’ve been doing your entire life while your gifts laid idle and you failed to convert a single soul?

Single isn’t always fun or fair. Yes, it’s a lonely road, we understand that, but the truth is that it doesn’t matter how you got single. Whether it’s because of abandonment, divorce, death, or your seemingly perpetual singleness in a quest for a suitable mate, grasp these concepts because we’re all in it together.

First of all, we have to see our potential relationships through the eyes of God. That’s step number one. Lonely but not alone; grasp that because with God on your side you’ll never walk a lonely road again. He’ll be right there with you teaching and instructing you. To be without God is to be lost on a road with no map. Ask anyone who’s been lost. It’s no fun not knowing where you are or where you’re going. You have to ask directions and you are at the mercy of whomever you request assistance from. All you can do is pray that they don’t send you down the seedy side of town and have you out of gas by the side of the road while the neighborhood vagrants are pawing you and the hustlers are stripping your car down to its frame. Get God and let Him lead you.

Okay, what does God really have to do with relationships you ask? Everything. Sure some of you think that God is in your walk, you say “praise Him” and “hallelujah” and you are free to choose who you want to be with. You do honestly have that right, but when you end up with something that robs you blind, steals your car and leaves you an emotional wreck, remember, it was your choice. Trust God or trust the Devil. That’s your choice too, but you have to stop being so childish about the Spirit realm, this isn’t patty cake! We need to stop thinking that the relationships we have with people are separate from God. It’s connected! That’s why we were created, to worship and have an interactive relationship with the Creator. You need to think in terms of this fact, “If God doesn’t supply your mate, who will?” See? I can sense that picture coming into focus for you now.

That’s why we have got to feed ourselves, get fat on the Word of God and let Him finish His perfect work in us, because if God doesn’t choose your mate, the enemy will. And who wants to spend the rest of their life with a mate that the Devil has chosen? Sleeping with the enemy? That can be hell right here on earth! And that’s totally counterproductive too because we need to be all we can be for the Army of the Lord while we’re here on earth. We don’t need a mate who stunts our growth and thwarts our purpose and calling. We don’t need someone who tears us apart and waters down our belief. You can’t even get along with each other behind closed doors and then you’re expected to go out in public and be effective soul-winners? It doesn’t work like that.

See, the thing is that who you are determines who you will attract. It’s the truth. Even if you don’t believe it, it’s still the truth anyway. Just because you dress up all pretty doesn’t mean you feel pretty on the inside. There are many genuinely beautiful women with serious esteem issues. What you think about yourself is what’s real. It’s a spiritual thing. Everyone has a Spirit, and depending on where you are spiritually, will also determine who you’ll attract and inevitably end up with. I’ve heard people say that they’re a bum-magnet. They’re right. If your Spirit is weak and crying out for any kind of attention, you will draw the most unsavory characters to you. This manipulating Spirit will come into your life because your flesh called it unto you, and he’ll be there in your life with your permission, walking all over you and won’t even have the common courtesy to remove his shoes. Seek the Father. Let Him finish His work in you. We aren’t born complete. We may be legally able to vote or marry once we graduate from high school, but we don’t spiritually mature at eighteen. And until God changes some things in us, and we grow up spiritually, what are some of us going to do with a man anyway?

We want what we see our friends and sisters with, and clench our teeth as our sister confess how delightful their love life is going. I know because I’ve kicked myself in my spiritual babyhood for not always being as happy as I should have been for my spiritual sisters. But we want a man, that’s our excuse to do, say and act any kind of way. We already know how will we entertain this man we want after we take him down off of his high priced shelf. We have it planned and are ready to perform to the hilt for him at a moments notice. But, is that what we are here for? To perform like a show horse so a man will pick us? Are we going to envy and compete with our sisters forever? Are we willing to have a man at any cost?

Some of us pay the price for having a man by living in sin. Some of us can’t snag his last name but figure at least our babies can. We need to look in the mirror and hear the mocking laughter. The enemy is making a mockery of you and your faith. Don’t you hear him? He’s saying, “she can’t even see the blessing, I’ve clouded her vision. She’s looking to the left when her God has something for her on the right. I’ve got her now. My plan is working.” We need the full armor of God, Ladies, enough of the backstabbing and double-talking. Women of God should never do that. We have no business “keeping” a man either. You should not have to pay his car note and buy him clothes just to keep him around or convince him to even want to be bothered with you. It distorts the whole order of things. He’ll end up being the woman in that relationship and then that brings on a whole onslaught of other problems that toys with God’s perfect order of relationships. “A man findeth a wife.” Get it right and stop trying to twist the scriptures to read “a wife findeth a man”. The bible is clear. Let God handle it. Cast your cares on Him. “He’s Able,” isn’t just a song…it’s truth! He sees the whole picture anyhow.

You know it may be harsh but, in this day and age it needs to be because it’s pathetic what some of us will do for what we label love, especially those of us in the church. Women in church have no business getting emotionally excited every time a new single man joins the church. You are not there for that. Yes rejoice for his soul but nothing else. “You got the last one, this one is mine,” is not something that a woman of God should ever say or think. And the dreadful thing is that nowadays you find that a man can tell a woman point blank. “I don’t want you,” or “I’m not the one for you,” yet she wipes the mud off her face and keeps coming back again and again overindulging herself in humiliation. To some women “no,” means “try harder.” But the whole while the Devil has got her all tied up in a neat little bow and she can’t function, witness to a lost soul or satisfy her own basic spiritual needs because she’s emotionally tangled up, and the only thing that can free her is getting closer to God. But she can’t see that it’s God she needs because her emotional appetite for a man is on overdrive. So, instead of praying for her own deliverance she’s on her knees begging God for a man that’s not even hers.

We can’t even be blessed by the sermon coming forth on Sunday because we are so busy checking the men out in our peripherals. We don’t know whether we are coming or going. It’s truly sad and truly unfortunate. We hold on to men who don’t love us, don’t love God and could care less for our kids. We are afraid to let go of any man we latch onto for fear of spending endless nights crying, beating yourself up and thinking that it could have been you marrying him if you would have just held on a month more. If you had put up with his mess one more year you could have been Mrs. So and So. Get over it! Let her have him! That’s not love. If he married her four weeks after you left him, he was gone from the relationship you thought the two of you were having long before that. Love will not have you second-guessing yourself. Love confirms and reaffirms what you already know in your Spirit. Learn to look at love from a God point of view. Would God stand you up? Would God lay you down before taking your hand in marriage? Why do you accept any less from a man? Because he’s human? That’s no excuse!

Soul mates. I’m sure I’ve got your attention now. We’ve heard the term enough to know that thinking of our soul mate should make us blissfully happy. We’ve heard that if we find our soul mate, our journey is complete, fluffy clouds, harps and La La Land awaits. Honey, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but there is no such place. We’ve heard that if we find our soul mate, then we have found the missing piece, the rib in us is reconnected to our Adam. We are whole. That’s what we’ve heard, but we aren’t sure. We don’t know. We are out of touch. We let our mind dwell on earthly things so much so that the heavenly things of God elude us.

Philippians 4:8 says “whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.” And we listen, just until the sermon is over. We want to do it our way, plain and simple. We have our minds made up before the benediction. We believe that we know what we want better than God does. We daydream and create scenarios in our minds of how our perfect man will come to us. We lie on the train tracks of life waiting for the virile gentleman to come and rescue us and pick up our hankie. God is taking too long. But everyday we learn something new. And today ladies, we are learning that you need to ask God for strength so you can get up off of those train tracks before a train comes and runs your over!

Life is a learning process and here is a lesson for you. It’s a tough lesson, so listen up. You may have to repeat it out loud to yourself or write it down on a piece of paper and hang it our your desk at work because you might not get it the first time, but here we go; it’s not the man that makes you complete, it’s God. Too simple for you? I’ll break it down because God is not the author of confusion. We are born with the potential to be whole, it is our connection to God and the work He does in us that completes the process. We aren’t half of a person walking around looking for a missing piece or chasing a rib like some theories will lead you to believe.

The word says that, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh,” (Genesis 2:24). United, meaning there are two separate things being brought together in unity. “They two shall become one flesh,” (Ephesians 5:31). That means that God has called us to be two whole individuals going into a relationship, and then when we marry we become one in the Spirit. We don’t lose our identity or become a shadow to each other. We are still two individuals, but we are one in the Spirit. Some of us just got that revelation. It’s new to us because we’ve never been told. The fact of the matter is that it doesn’t matter how long it takes for you to get it, as long as you finally do, that’s all God’s concerned with.

We thought and have been taught and misinformed that we were to be ladies, dainty and feminine, drop a hankie and wait around coyly as someone gentlemanly comes to recover it for us. Even the Proverbs 31 woman does more than that! We were instructed to learn to cook, fold the linens, dust, clean and raise the children. We were taught to seek a man that has his financial situation intact and when we are joined together with him we would then have a balance of femininity and financial stability, meaning his half plus our half equals the whole, complete with somebody to pay all the bills while we change the diapers and make the casseroles and soufflés. That is wrong thinking. That’s not what God said. That’s why before marriage and unfortunately after the divorce you have so many out of touch woman who don’t even know how to write a simple check. They don’t know what a 401k plan is and don’t even have a clue as to how to calculate their assets. A Proverbs 31 woman rises early to see to her house and set things in order for the day, while some of us can’t even manage to roll out of bed before 10 o’clock just because we have a day off. Come on now!

We need to be women of balance. We should strive to be complete and whole in God, not because society expects it, but because that is what God expects. We have to be able to run our own lives. We can’t hang our hopes on finding a man. Our life starts at birth not at the altar where we say, “I do.” We have to live and learn as we live. Life is to prepare us for His service. What is your purpose in life? How can you serve Him if you aren’t whole? We aren’t supposed to tuck our dreams away in our hope chest and leave them unwatered until the honeymoon. Our dreams start the day we can conceive them not the minute our 20/20 vision can spot a man.

Life is a journey, but we can look so long and hard at the road of life that we can’t see the forest for the trees. I say, don’t worry about the road ahead—pick up the manual! It worked for me. Read the Word; enter into a new phase of your life. It’s about level, Ladies, and some of us have been on level one forever. You are on the road trying to fix a broken down man that God never gave you in the first place and Mr. Right is standing by the limo with the door opened, looking at his watch wondering what is taking you so long. He’s waiting with open arms wondering when you’ll arrive. But you are over there trying to fix the peeling Chevy that needs a tune up and has so much mileage on it that it’s dangerous to drive.

The goal isn’t the journey, it’s the destination and the journey is unprofitable and you will never get there if you aren’t prepared. We have to believe His Word. It’s in there. His Word is our traveling food. It’s our nourishment when we are weak and feel like happiness will never find us. His Word sustains us. We need to be intelligent, stable and secure people of God before we seek anything other than God to join ourselves to, so, open up wide and eat the Word.

When we don’t deal with ourselves and the issues we have, we do a disservice to everybody we come in contact with. God’s grace is sufficient. He says that in 2 Corinthians 12:9. Let’s move forward under the grace of God then. How do you do that? You have to make God enough. Let God expose and deliver you from your issues. Only when you make God enough will He give you more. Some of us want a husband and we can’t cook a meal. Some of us want a big house and a pool and we can’t even remember to make up our bed in the morning. We are too stubborn to compromise or pick up a broom and sweep, and can’t pay a bill and never paid one in our lives. Yet we want God to take a man that can take care of himself and entrust him to us. We want God to just go down our wish list checking off our every hope and dream. For some women nothing is ever good enough because they don’t know what they want, and its unfair to put a man into the position of trying to figure out what you want when YOU don’t even know.

We can’t even figure out what side of the envelope the stamp goes on, yet we want more. That’s why God will not give it to you, because you can’t handle the little bit you have. And you will find that if you try to obtain it yourself it won’t last. I know. That’s what I did. Defiant. God told me I wouldn’t find anyone until I finished this book and got the entire revelation myself. But me being strong willed, to put it nicely, and hardheaded, to be honest, I put the book down and decided, “hey, I need somebody now. I don’t have time to sit around by myself.” I wasn’t delivered from wrong thinking. I hadn’t gotten my act fully together, but I thought I was ready when all I really was was needy. How long do you think that relationship that I defied God to rush into lasted? It didn’t.

Look at marriages disintegrating all over the place. Not just in Hollywood but on the church scene. Anointed gospel singers are caught up in divorce scandals. We have to learn to be prepared. Some of us rush into marriage knowing we have issues with compromise, and knowing we have a jealous streak. You wouldn’t go into an interview with sneakers and sweatpants, would you? If you did it would prove the interviewer that you couldn’t even get past the presentation and appearances part of the job. You’ll never get that job. You’ll never get more than what you have now because you don’t appear ready. You wouldn’t go off to war with a rubber band and a fork either, would you? It would show that you don’t have the faintest idea of what it takes to win a war or slay the enemy. We’ve got to get prepared.

Are you done trying to do it your way?
Do you want to learn to avoid the counterfeits?
Are you willing to let God make a change in you starting now?
Do you want to ready yourself to receive the one God prepared?
Order your copy of The Plural Thing today.

The Plural Thing: Spiritually Preparing for Your Soul Mate is available now in hardcover for $19.95.

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13 April 2009

Monday Morning

by Michelle Cameron
http://blog.myspace.com/shellylove2002

I had the pleasure of listening to a prominent speaker discuss forgiveness recently, with examples from her own life. As she spoke, thoughts of past and present situations that seemed unfair to me started parading across my mind. Things I had forgotten about knocked on the door of my heart and caused me to reflect.

I had been the type to look at others over the top rim of my glasses – until my life situations changed and now I am the one that others are looking at in very strange ways. Having to forgive others who caused grief and pain and then realizing that I was also a source of grief and pain to others is not easy to handle from either perspective. I tend to store up my feelings and eventually hide them – which I know is not very good. As I practice sharing my heart with others via writing, I find it is now easier to express my deepest thoughts and reflections even while speaking. Vocalizing (or reading) what you have always thought is indeed a healing balm.

Jesus, I surrender my pain, my disappointments, any misunderstandings and my resentment of situations from my past (and my present) into your hands. You knew me before I was formed in my mother’s womb. You have purged my heart with your precious blood before; wash it clean once more. As I open my life before you and others, may souls be refreshed and may those who were once bound in spirit be loosed and set free to go forth and live out their purpose that You have preordained from the beginning of time.

Forgive me of the hurts I have caused. Allow me to let go of those who hurt me, intentionally or not. Help me to have the heart to say like Jesus did.

“Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing,” Luke 23:34 (NIV)

18 August 2008

Monday Morning

by Linda Dominique Grosvenor
www.LindaDominiqueGrosvenor.com

This weekend we experienced the inaugural Love Better Camp Retreat. God showed up and showed off at the Love Better Camp retreat. It’s funny because we initially scheduled it as a couple’s retreat and then when interested singles started inquiring we opened it up to both singles and couples. I figured women would flock to the event eager to be heard and make their points concerning relationships, but what we ended up with was a men’s only retreat—which God knew was fine by me. We had relatively wonderful weather. I couldn’t believe that it wasn’t scorching hot especially since it’s August and the sun is normally out eager to do its thing–which is to burn you to a crisp. We cooked out, we read from the book The Plural Thing: Spiritually Preparing for Your Soul Mate, we discussed relationships and everybody had great points and most of all we prayed, prayed and prayed again and heard from the Lord.

That’s why I love having discussions about relationships. I’ve always been the girl who was privy to male conversations and this weekend was no different. The men were honest and very forthcoming and it made me think that women really better start given men credit for having some common sense and spiritual insight when it comes to relationships. We are always so quick to say that men don’t get it, but from what I experienced this weekend I know they do get it. and I also know that every man is not swayed by tight jeans, fishnet stocking with high heels or “the best sex he ever had” and to those who think that all you have to do is work it out in the bedroom to get them to make you their wife, my advice is that you please go and sit down someplace and stop crucifying Christ afresh and straddling the fence when it comes to being a Holy woman of God.

There are men who can see and experience all of the tricks women play and STILL walk away from a woman–even after the “good sex” and after they pay their rent and their car note. All I can say is that you should have been there to see what it takes to reach the heart of a REAL man, but you can always read the book or continue thinking that you don’t need it. God knows that there are two sides to every story and for so long we’ve only heard the woman’s side or women complaining about how he won’t call me, he left me for her or he led me on. My testimony is that even though I’m the author, I read the book several times as I was writing it and implemented some things and made changes in my life and now I’ve got my soul mate. One day maybe more women can say that too. I think so many of us just need to grow up and let God lead and stop manipulating people and the various situations that we’re in and then sit in a corner and pout when we don’t get the desired outcome. The outcome from the very beginning is only ever going to be what God wants it to be–now that’s fine by me, but what about you?

“When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things,” 1 Corinthians 13:11

11 August 2008

Monday Morning

by Michelle Cameron
http://blog.myspace.com/shellylove2002

Pain and sorrow has overwhelmed my heart for quite sometime. It started several years ago when my family was divided because of economic reasons. My parents lived in the US while I and my sisters remained in our country of origin with our maternal grandmother for five years. I counted down the days to when we would reunite as a family, and we did: but our excitement was short-lived. Our grandmother came to the US the day after our mother showed signs of illness. Her cancer had returned – in fact, it had metastasized. We buried her seven months after we reunited. I was only 16.

As the eldest I tried to remain strong during tough times. I went to college that same year she passed away and I graduated on time, but it was an uphill battle. I remember during my final semester of college they called me into the bursar’s office and quietly told me they would have to send me home because of my school bill. I started crying right there in the office as I HAD to graduate. I made a private promise to myself and my mother, who was a former English teacher that I would make something of my life, no matter what it took. The lady offered me a private scholarship right there on the spot and I was able to graduate on time!

I eventually dated and married someone I met at various church functions. What I thought was a workable situation was very stressful, abusive and caused plenty of heartache instead. After eight years, I packed my bags with our two-year old son in tow and left my home. As I walked away from the house into which I had poured my time and money, I realized that pain had visited my life again and that this wound was deeply riveted in my soul. As I watched my son cry almost daily when he was faced with new surroundings and saw only one familiar face, I cross-questioned myself and God on several things:

Why did you allow these things to happen?
Why are we hurting so much? Don’t you even care?
Why does it feel as if we’re the ones in pain and the other party is having an easy life? (At least, so it seemed)
As time went by, I began to understand a few things:

1. Because we live in a fallen world, pain will knock on every door – regardless of socio-economic factors, race, ethnicity or personal beliefs.
2. We cannot avoid the presence of pain in our lives.
3. We must find healthy, Godly ways to handle pain.

So I have decided to work through my pain by writing about my experiences. The release of my soul cannot be described adequately; peace has overtaken feelings of injustice and anger that were raging within me. I have learned to look deeply into why things happen and why I draw my conclusions. I am thankful that God has given me the grace to work through my pain. It is nowhere 100% over, but I now understand many things that I did not before. Occasionally I may still mourn over the lost relationship with my mother and my ex, but my weeping is ending. It is now time for me to look up and live!

It is time to wipe away tears of sorrow, pain, regret and heartache. It is time to lift up my eyes unto the hills from where my help comes. It is time to smile, laugh and play again!

True joy is unmoved by what it sees. It rises to the surface and places a smile on the lips of the one who possesses it – even when the first urge is to cry or scream in agony. Joy does not deny the presence of pain; rather, it sees pain as part of life, something that helps the individual to grow while teaching valuable life lessons that can be shared with others.

I have wept much, but my joy has come!

“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning,” Psalm 30: 5b (KJV)

28 July 2008

Monday Morning

by Linda Dominique Grosvenor
www.LindaDominiqueGrosvenor.com

Sometimes I can tell people are waiting for me to say something horrible and insulting about an ex. I don’t do it. I won’t do it. Because of the God in me I can’t do it. That’s not who I am and it’s not who God created me to be. But I know people in similar situations who can’t wait to tell something private and embarrassing about their ex, be it ex-boy or girlfriend or ex-husband or wife. How you respond about your ex, however, says more about “you” than it does “them”. I’m not talking about people using an actual example from their relationship to illustrate a point they’re trying to make or using an example of something in their past as a testimony. I’m mean, telling mean, and vindictive private things that nobody outside of the relationship has a right to know, just so that it mars that person’s thought of the person you are talking about. What it says about you is that you are unlearned that the tongue can destroy you and put hardships in your way that didn’t need to be there–hardships that only appeared in your path because you wouldn’t close your mouth.

I was a single parent for 18 years and I can say that in all of those years although my son’s father had never given him any financial support or bought him anything besides a bag of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle action figures one Christmas in 1988. Despite that fact, I never once went around badmouthing him to my mother, my sisters or brother or to my child. It wasn’t for me to mar my son’s image of his father. It wasn’t for me to drill it into his head that his father wasn’t a provider and wasn’t ever there when he needed him. I knew that God would allow him to find out on his own, without me constantly mumbling on and on about how “no good” I thought he was. And so I guarded my tongue and made the best of it, because if I believed Hebrews 10:30 then I had to believe that God would take care of us and handle his “non-support” of his son as well. It wasn’t for me to use my tongue in an act of vengeance. That’s not what the mouth or the tongue was created for.

People over the years often ask me how I made it through 18 years of single parenting making little over $20,000 a year working for city, going to school full time at night, getting $0 in child support and never once allowing my child to go hungry or finding a way to get my rent, utilities and other bills paid. Sure, my mom and friends helped out on occasion, but the victorious glory goes to God and God alone. I know people who receive child support from their child’s mother or father and they still can’t make ends meet and here I was not receiving a dime and God was keeping us in perfect peace. My son never went to public school, he went to schools for which I had to pay tuition for his entire life from 1st grade through 12th grade and I give the honor to God for being able to make it. I believe it was me keeping my tongue that allowed God to continue to meet my needs/our needs. We don’t understand how much damage talking too much does, but before we ever part our lips to say an ill word against anybody we really should and instead use our mouth and tongue to praise the One who has kept us from falling.

My son finally did learn on his own how his father wasn’t there for him when he graduated from high school. It was the first and only time he ever asked him for anything. He asked for money to pay for his cap, gown and yearbook and his father never got back to him. I didn’t have to teach him that lesson. I didn’t have to badmouth his father to drive home that point. He saw it himself and realized that even though I kept my opinions to myself and it appeared as if I was doing everything all on my own, I really wasn’t. He knew that God was there the entire time moving every obstacle out of our path as I used my words to glorify Him in praise and worship–the way it was intended.

“And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell,” James 3:6

21 July 2008
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